An Angry Mom

I am an angry mom.

I am angry because, once again, I've come across a blog that bashes mothers who adopt. What kills me, is that most of the bashing is done by adoptees! I don't mean to suggest that adoptees should be thankful to their adoptive parents for adopting them or that they don't have a right to be angry, but contrary to what seems to be common belief, adoptive parents are not all "baby stealers."

Yes, there are a large number of birth/biological/first mom's that were coerced into giving up their babies. Yes, there are a large number of agencies and lawyers out there that turn adoption into "baby selling." Yes, there are a lot of adoptive families that want to pretend their children have no other family. Yes, there are a lot of adoptive families that are not fit to be parents. However...we are not all like that.

Hubby and I deliberately went to an agency that charges fees that cover the minimum (court costs, gas/mileage for visits, probably a bit to help cover the minuscule salary the employees...social worker, counselors, and secretaries...make). The agency insists that the "birth" mother receives counseling before placing her child with a family (we receive updates of the numbers considering adoption and the number placing their child...those choosing to parent is much, much higher). From the first time we met Peanut's first mom, until now, I have fought to maintain contact. Peanut's first mom has always been hesitant of keeping in touch. I have constantly encouraged her to call us, visit us, send us letters. When she disappeared for a year and a half, I had to be talked out of hiring a P.I. to find her...just so I'd know she was ok and where she was in case we needed information. I was able to get P's first mom to share (she actually volunteered the info) who his dad was and whatever medical information she had.
P. is being raised knowing he has two mommies and brothers and sisters.

I fight everyday against people who think I'm crazy for insisting on contact with P's first family. I have babysat for P's sister and his half brother that live with his mom. I constantly encourage his first mom to send family photos (visits with the family are encouraged too) and to come to activities P. participates in. We keep pictures of Peanut's first family displayed in his room and throughout the house (with all the family photos). We talk about how he has two families and that both love him.

I work so hard to make sure that he knows all parts of himself, that I get fighting mad when "mom's like me" are portrayed as "evil." I know my situation is unique and I also know that I am not a perfect mom (I'd like to meet one that is!), but like adoptees and birth moms, we are doing the best we can.

I will agree that changes need to be made. Adoption costs should be minimal. Birth mothers should receive counseling before, during and after they are making their decisions (along with help with education/job training, housing, and finding a job if needed) regardless if they place their children for adoption or not. Privacy should be available to birth mom's if they desire it, but I don't know of many that do. Adoptees, should have easy access to their information. Giving medical information should be mandatory for birth families placing their children for adoption. The national database (or whatever it is called...the place where adoptees and their birth families can register to find each other)is a good idea, but not good enough because not enough people know about it. Changes must be made, but in the mean time...please don't blame us for wanting a child that we can raise and love. Children provide us with a glimpse of heaven that is rare here on earth.

I would love to hear from others on your adoption experiences. Does anyone else have regular face-to-face contact with the first mother (who isn't a family member)? Are you close enough that you'd let the birth family take the child on an outing? Please, let me know.