Emotional Roller Coaster

***Beware: This is a LONG post.

Wow!! It's only Monday, but it has already been an emotional roller coaster of a week.

October is always a very difficult month for me. I usually take a weekend and go away by myself. It saves my sanity, my husband's sanity, and probably my marriage. Six years ago I lost twin girls due to prematurity. Emily, the oldest one would have turned six this past Saturday (the 7th). Sarah's birthday is the 17th. (One day, I hope to be able to write in this blog about it...my goal is to do it this month)

It still is very difficult, but as many others know that have lost loved ones, you eventually discover a new normal. You always hurt. They are always in the back of your mind...if not directly in front...but you learn to live with it. Maybe like a toothache (that's putting it mildly). I still miss them desperately, but also feel guilty for feeling that way because if they had lived I wouldn't have adopted my son. It can become a vicious cycle...one I try not to think about.

Anyway, that was the down part of the week (I know it was technically last week...but let it go). The up part happened today and I am still reeling, although not nearly as much as I had been.

Today I was leaving the school with my students to go on a field trip to the apple orchard. I had just exited the building and was walking down the sidewalk behind my class when I heard someone call my first name. Everyone at work (staff and parents) calls me by my last name when the kids are around (not necessarily with Mrs.) so I couldn't figure out who was calling my name. I looked around and saw a lady walking up another sidewalk and thought "she looks familiar but who is she?" Then she yelled out, "It's K..!" I still didn't get who it was. Then I saw a young boy with her and thought "that looks like N.." It was! The lady yelling my name was my son's birth mom with Peanut's sister and brother!

To say I went nuts is probably an understatement. I was so happy to see her. The first I blurted out was, "Where have you been?" Then I quickly kept talking. I kept hugging her and her kids. They probably wondered who the crazy lady was. But I couldn't help myself. I hadn't heard from Peanut's birth mom since his 1st birthday. She called to ask about him and said she had gifts for him, but then she disappeared. I knew that at one point she had been in a bad relationship and was worried that something had happened. I had even wanted to take an ad out in the local paper in order to contact her. My family and the adoption specialists that we still kept in contact with convinced me not to...she'd come back when and if she was ready.

I now feel like a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders. A weight that I didn't even know I was carrying around!

Oh! You might be wondering what she was doing at my school. I asked her. She was enrolling her daughter in our Be-Four program. Her son had just been enrolled in the school I used to teach in. I let her know that I had switched schools...so she wouldn't be surprised. I also asked her to stop by and see me when she was up to it/ready.

I don't know yet if there will be any visits on her part to see Peanut or what the future holds. I do know that I am incredibly thankful that she is ok.

Someone that I work with asked me how I could be happy that she was back...especially since she obviously hadn't wanted him in the first place. She, and the others I work with now, just don't get it. First, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I believe with every fiber of my being that K and Peanut's birth father didn't want to place him for adoption. If there would have been any way that they could have supported him they would have. However, they were in a place in their lives where that was not a possibility. Selfishly, I am thankful. It meant that I now have the most beautiful (and dare I say "perfect") son anyone could every wish for.

Secondly, I guess I can accept her so easily because I've never truly thought of Peanut as "just mine." Yes...he is my son, but he is also hers. When I talk about her to Peanut I sometimes refer to her as his first mommy. There is also the fact that the people in my previous school, went through the loss of my daughters with me. Some of them knew about the miscarriages that followed. They were also there for the adoption. So, in away, Peanut has always "belonged" to a large number of people. Many people feel very close to Peanut and will say to me..."So, how's my little man?" or other such statements.

Finally, I guess because I lost my daughters, that even though I have no idea what it's like to place a child for adoption, I know what its like to lose a child...which in my mind adoption is similar to. The child may not be dead, but in the eyes of the law and a lot of people, the child is no longer yours. My promise to myself was that the birth parents of my child would never have to wonder how their child was. I was going to let them know...hopefully through visits and phone calls, etc., but also for letters and other means. I also wanted it for Peanut. I can't imagine walking down the street and looking at people and thinking, "Is that the person that gave birth to me?" "Is that person my sibling?" Family is too important to me.

There is so much more I want/need to say, but I am out of time. I'll have finish later this week.

Until next time...