Adoption

My heart aches and I'm...scared? worried? I don't know what the right word is. I've been looking at other blogs and came across one where the person was adopted. She was a great writer and talked about her adoption experience. She was so angry...with really good reason to be. Her life was HORRIBLE!!

Why does this worry me? I'm an adoptive mom. It scares the daylights out of me that one day my son may feel that kind of anger toward me. The posts I read covered anger at things like the fact that she had a baby book that said, "Our Adopted Child;" comments that people would make about how she was ungrateful; that she shouldn't find her biological family; that her birth certificate had no notation on it indicating that she was adopted; and much more. Alot of the items she had problems with...I did too. But there were also things she mentioned that I am guilty of doing.

One of the items mentioned above that I am guilty of is the baby book. Ours says something like..."Our Chosen Child." I guess I can understand why she's upset, but at the time that I bought the book I thought it was a good idea. I had looked all over for a baby book and most of them contained sections about how the mother felt while she was pregnant, who the baby looked like, etc. Things that I wouldn't be able to fill out. I finally found a book that told about what I did know...our "adoption journey" to our son. It covered the whole process and allowed us to records the "steps" that we took to become parents. After the "Finalization" section, it was a basic baby book. When we adopt our second child, I'm planning on getting another copy for that child. Is it really so bad?

As for the rest of the things she was bothered by...I really do understand. I was upset for her. My son's adoption is considered open. It's not my idea of open...but I'm doing the best I can to keep it as open as possible. When we met our son's birth mom, we discussed what "open" meant to us. She wanted pics, letters and maybe phone calls. We wanted all of the above and visits a couple of times a year...if and when she was ready. I totally understand that placing a child for adoption is a difficult decision beyond my comprehension. And to people that say to me that they can't understand how "someone wouldn't want their child" or "could just give their child away"...be thankful I haven't smacked you. Our son's birth mom does love him...and it was not easy to place him with another family to raise him. Anyway...I digress.

So...knowing that placing your child for adoption is not easy...we knew that "K" would probably not want visits at first. Well, we were very happy when that was not the case. We were there when our son was born. We (my husband and I, "K" and her parents and aunt, our son) all spent time together at the hospital. We were in contact quite a bit during the first year...there were even 3 or 4 visits. The last time I talked to "K" was on our son's 1st birthday...he's now 2. She had mentioned that she'd move and said that she would send me her new address and call me so that we could get together. We haven't heard from her since. I continued to send pics and letters, but the last batch came back with a forwarding address (forwarding had expired). So I sent it out to the new address. It came back. This time without a forwarding address. I was so upset. I even toyed with the idea of trying to track her down. However, others around me...including the social worker from the agency told me that if she wanted to maintain contact...she would have. She has our phone number and address. But I keep thinking...but my son is going to want to know her!! I want it to be easy for him to find her! But I guess she'll get back in touch with us when she's ready.

In the meantime, I try to read stories to my son about adoption. I have pics of his birth mom and 2 siblings (that live with her) that were taken when they came for a visit (the siblings didn't know anything...just that they were visiting friends of their mom's that had a new baby). I keep these pictures out in frames in his bedroom. We take the pictures down and talk about them. My hope is not to make my child think that he needs to be grateful, but that he will know that I am okay with him knowing his birth family...that I encourage it! Am I a bit worried that if this happens that he will like them more than me...yes...I'm only human. But, it's not about me. It's about him. I truely feel he needs to know that part of himself...my insecurities are not important.

On the topic of birth certificates...I was surprised that there is nothing on them to indicate that a person was adopted. Maybe it is so that the adopted child doesn't feel different?? I don't know. But it bothered me. I know some people that are adopting that don't want to talk about their child's adoption (which is a whole other issue that I can't even stand to think about...it makes me SOOO angry). What if something happened to these parents and they never got the chance to tell their child they were adopted?? How would the child find out? Ok...reading that...it sounds stupid...but...oh, I don't know. I just have a problem with it.

I think I need to sign off now. I'm looking at what I read and I don't think that it's very coherent. I also think I sound defensive...heck, if I'm brutely honest with myself...I probably am. I am trying very hard not to be one of the people that messes up their child's life...although I also believe that ALL parents mess up their kids (it's just the severity of it differs).

So...for now...