My biggest fear

Have you ever received one of those "Getting to know you" e-mails? You know...the one that wants you to list your middle name, what you're reading/wearing/watching/listening to, what color your underwear is, etc? They are not all the same, but most of them have this question on it: What are you afraid of?

Most of my friends that send me this say being alone. Do you think that most people fear this? I'm not sure. I wonder what the answer is for the majority of people. I know for me being alone is not something I'm afraid of. Maybe it comes from being raised in a large (extended) family. I don't always like to be alone, but having few opportunities to truly be alone, I'm more likely to welcome alone time than dread it. I'm sure though, that my friends meant a different kind of alone.

My fear is being/feeling helpless. This fear is something that has developed from being in positions of helplessness. Usually, the feelings of helplessness came while watching people I love die and not being able to do something about it. Now, I know I'm not the only one that has gone through this, and for many, many others, it is worse than anything I could ever dream of. But going through this has turned helplessness into a fear.

When I admit this fear to people they tell that dying is just a part of life and something we all have to accept...and I do. But it doesn't mean that I still won't fear looking at the beating hearts of my premature twin daughters until they cease to beat because the technology just isn't enough to keep them alive. Accepting that we all die doesn't make it easier to watch a friend fighting cancer with all her might (and losing) while you just stand there (at least that's what it feels like) and watch her lose her battle.

So, know that you know what my fear is and where it comes from, maybe you'll understand why I can't stand to see my son sick. My husband thinks I'm nuts...maybe I am. Peanut is not terminally ill. I certainly don't think he's dying. He has been ill for a week, but it's been with a fever (which is finally gone), runny nose, cough/difficulty breathing due to asthma flair-ups, and oozy, crusty eyes. Tonight when he woke up coughing and crying (after having been asleep for two hours), I took care of him, got him back to sleep and started crying as soon as I walked out of his room. I felt helpless to make him better. It feels like no matter what I do, he's still sick (and the doctor's aren't concerned). So I admit, I am acting like an over-anxious mom...which I usually don't. But I HATE when my baby is sick and scared and there is nothing I can do to make him better.

When I think of all the people in the world that have to watch their loved ones battle cancer (and I'm sorry, but especially the parents whose children have it or a similar disease), my heart just weeps. I can't imagine the leave of helplessness that they feel. That is my biggest fear.

What is your biggest fear?